She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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