I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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