So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
