70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
