he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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