Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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