How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
