Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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