i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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