Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
