im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
