In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
