when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
