man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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