Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
