shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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