He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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