Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
