there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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