I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
