Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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