I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
