well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish I only lived at night.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
