I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
