I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
