ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
