i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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