I wish I could punch you in the face.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
