I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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