matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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