i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
