Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
