Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
