She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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