He is an equal opportunity slut.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
