i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
