So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
