I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
