she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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