and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
