If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
