fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
