Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
