Acid is not a monday night drug
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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