There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm like, not good at living.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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