i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
