Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I need to align my fucking chakras
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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