Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
