please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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