hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
