when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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