Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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